Having it ALLLL

So blogging has not been my priority over the last year and a half.  Watching TV and slowly eating myself to death has.  But that’s starting to change.  Why I posted just last month!  And now, after only 4 weeks I’m posting again.  I’m slowly getting back into the swing of this (and by this I mean writing down and publishing, albeit on a blog, my every self-involved, self-indulgent thought).  Today is an exciting day for me.  I got a job.  If you read my previous post (which you really should have), you would know that for the past give or take 7 months I have been painfully unemployed.  Unemployed to the point that there is a noticeable depression in the couch where I sat every day watching 90210, first at 10 am and then again at 4 pm (same episode, no shame).  So unemployed that I had actually looked into getting my taxi driver’s license (it’s harder than you’d think).  After 7 long months of bitching to friends and family and feeling downright sorry for my unemployed ass, I finally got a job, hooray!  While I’m sure I’ll start to hate my new working life for a whole slew of reasons I haven’t even considered yet, right now I’m ecstatic.  I have yet to start said job, but I’m pretty sure I’m on the verge of having it all.  ALL.

Right now you are probably asking yourself what all I’m going to have.  I’m not entirely sure yet but I have a feeling employment is the first of many good things to come.  My gut tells me that pretty soon I’ll find myself in an awesome relationship with a devastatingly handsome doctor that travels all over the world performing life saving surgeries on small, orphaned and probably disfigured children.  He will be dashing and probably a little bit dangerous but will still find the time to plan romantic outings and surprise me with gifts of both material and sentimental value.  (Side note – I’m still a feminist despite the fact that my definition of having it all involves the attention of a man with a limitless credit card.  It’s not my fault if someone wants to dote on me and buy me shit.  This is new age feminism that allows for hypocrisy, get with it).  With my job and boyfriend in tow I’ll be well on my way to having it all.  Next I think my hair will begin to get thicker and probably blonder and longer too.  Lustrous hair that looks perfectly windblown, even indoors, is the signature of having it all so I’m expecting that any day now.   I can’t be sure what amazing thing will come my way next but  I’ll probably start hanging out with George Clooney, going to Hollywood parties and helping kids with Malaria alongside Angelina Jolie (who I hate but will befriend for the sake of the Malaria infected children).    Oh yeah, it’s also rather expected that I’ll develop some non-life threatening thyroid disorder that speeds my metabolism up to the point of burning  10,000 calories a day, necessitating the constant consumption of fatty calorie rich food like cake and pizza.  I can’t be sure about the specifics but this all seems pretty likely and imminent.

Up to this point I have not had it all.  I've probably had about 1/3, maybe ¼ (it’s been a rough couple  months) of it all.  I have generally resented this.  I saw those around me, those that had it all, and I was jealous. Those impossibly thin, impossibly trendy, impossibly rich, impossibly altruistic, impossibly smart, funny, (the list goes on) people that exude happiness and good fortune were the bane of my less than all existence.  Those people made me want to vomit and then eat a lot of pizza (sadly this order was not reversed).  Obviously this was all motivated by jealousy and now that I am on the verge of becoming a part of this previously repugnant class I cannot wait to exude happiness and good fortune and the impression that I am better than everyone else around me.  Having it all is really going to be great.  I should have it any minute now.