I've recently come to the conclusion that employment is over rated. As is having a general purpose in life and waking up before noon. I find that spending an entire day staring at the television and playing on the interweb is a totally thrilling and fulfilling way to spend ones life. Watching ten hours of Law and Order: SVU is far more worthwhile than employment in the public sector with the goal of helping people. Helping people in real life sucks, watching Benson and Stabler help fictional victims of rape is far more meaningful.
Of course I didn't always feel this way. When I first moved to New York without a job I was optimistic, excited, ebullient! I was a Master of human rights, a MASTER! Why I could have any job I wanted with my meager experience and bullshit education. The UN would probably roll out a red carpet littered with cash. New York was the center of the universe and I was going to take a bite out of the big apple.
After living for a year in London I had decided along with my best friend Mamie to move to NYC. Mamie, a fellow American, had lived in New York previously. Sometimes late at night Mamie would tell me tales of New York. She spoke of things which I did not dare believe; pizza parlors that never close, thin young men with pants so tight they were often mistaken for middle school girls and bars open until 4 a.m. that charged $12 for a mixed drink. Could it be, a land like this existed right across the pond? I was tiring of London and was eager to return to the land of the free and the home of the brave. The access to universal health care was becoming tiresome, never having to pay for prescriptions just seemed against the American way. And while London was fun, it was fun in the way visiting your grandparents is fun. Things are kind of stuffy, the food is a little slimy and the teeth are made out of wood (or look like it).
So across the pond I went. Mamie and I moved in with Mamie's friend Malex. While Malex was employed, Mamie and I moved without any real job prospects. We lived on hopes and dreams and five dollar foot longs. We knew what we were up against. The economy had gone to shit. Unemployment was through the roof and even the van down by the river was in foreclosure. Finding a job in the fall of 2009 was like finding clean sheets in the Jersey Shore house (get it, the Jersey Shore kids are literally a cess pool of venereal disease). But naiveté will get you a long way.
In the beginning unemployment was fun! Funemployment in fact. Our living room acted as HQ for Funemployment Inc. We would sit on the couch all day, watch Bravo! and talk about all the cultural opportunities at our finger tips. We would then order food and watch another episode of Bethenny Getting Married. We were living the American dream and it was glorious.
Then Mamie started getting interviews. Mamie is a smart girl and deserving of her success but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish she could have stayed forever a partner at Funemployment Inc. By mid October Mamie had abondoned me at Funemployment Inc to begin an exciting career in Human Resources. I assumed I would soon follow in her footsteps and begin my own career in international human rights, though I was unclear what that career might look like. I applied to jobs daily but to little avail.
At first I remained optimistic. We were in a recession for sure but there were always jobs for those who desired to help others, or so I thought. Months passed and I remained jobless. I began to sleep later and shower less often. People in my life began to question what I was doing. Any job leads? You still haven't found anything? Have you considered moving to DC? No, obviously not, and definitely never.
I realized I needed to get creative. The professional world wouldn't have me, there had to be other options. A little internet research turned up some promising options. I could become a mail order bride! The website said it was a way for lost women to find their way to riches and love. God knows I'm no stranger to internet dating, being a mail order bride seemed like a natural progression. Jdate was my gateway drug. Unfortunately I soon realized that educated middle class Jewish girls from the suburbs were not exactly the prime market for mail order brides. It seemed that the American men ordering brides were, for the most part, seeking submissive women from underdeveloped nations without the education and wherewithal to object to abuse and mistreatment.
My thoughts then turned to reality television. I have long been a fan of reality television and believe myself to be entertaining and dysfunctional enough to carry a show. I exhibit all the characteristics of a timeless reality television star, little shame, no impulse control, a propensity for black out drinking and delusional sense of self. With that in mind I began scouring the casting boards for Bravo, MTV and VH1. There had to be a show about unemployed twenty somethings who wanted to make something of their lives or lose 20 pounds or find love. I mean thats the stuff Emmy's are made of, no? Again I was shut down. My only real options were to gain one hundred pounds in hopes of becoming America's next biggest loser or losing twenty pounds and my morals and trying to get on the next season of the Bachelor. If only I was born a Kardashian.
As more time passed I realized that perhaps employment wasn't in the cards for me. Perhaps I was meant to live in my parent's basement collecting stray cats and calling them my babies. My intense allergy to cats could be overcome, as had my drive and determination to lead a productive life.
Of course I didn't always feel this way. When I first moved to New York without a job I was optimistic, excited, ebullient! I was a Master of human rights, a MASTER! Why I could have any job I wanted with my meager experience and bullshit education. The UN would probably roll out a red carpet littered with cash. New York was the center of the universe and I was going to take a bite out of the big apple.
After living for a year in London I had decided along with my best friend Mamie to move to NYC. Mamie, a fellow American, had lived in New York previously. Sometimes late at night Mamie would tell me tales of New York. She spoke of things which I did not dare believe; pizza parlors that never close, thin young men with pants so tight they were often mistaken for middle school girls and bars open until 4 a.m. that charged $12 for a mixed drink. Could it be, a land like this existed right across the pond? I was tiring of London and was eager to return to the land of the free and the home of the brave. The access to universal health care was becoming tiresome, never having to pay for prescriptions just seemed against the American way. And while London was fun, it was fun in the way visiting your grandparents is fun. Things are kind of stuffy, the food is a little slimy and the teeth are made out of wood (or look like it).
So across the pond I went. Mamie and I moved in with Mamie's friend Malex. While Malex was employed, Mamie and I moved without any real job prospects. We lived on hopes and dreams and five dollar foot longs. We knew what we were up against. The economy had gone to shit. Unemployment was through the roof and even the van down by the river was in foreclosure. Finding a job in the fall of 2009 was like finding clean sheets in the Jersey Shore house (get it, the Jersey Shore kids are literally a cess pool of venereal disease). But naiveté will get you a long way.
In the beginning unemployment was fun! Funemployment in fact. Our living room acted as HQ for Funemployment Inc. We would sit on the couch all day, watch Bravo! and talk about all the cultural opportunities at our finger tips. We would then order food and watch another episode of Bethenny Getting Married. We were living the American dream and it was glorious.
Then Mamie started getting interviews. Mamie is a smart girl and deserving of her success but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish she could have stayed forever a partner at Funemployment Inc. By mid October Mamie had abondoned me at Funemployment Inc to begin an exciting career in Human Resources. I assumed I would soon follow in her footsteps and begin my own career in international human rights, though I was unclear what that career might look like. I applied to jobs daily but to little avail.
At first I remained optimistic. We were in a recession for sure but there were always jobs for those who desired to help others, or so I thought. Months passed and I remained jobless. I began to sleep later and shower less often. People in my life began to question what I was doing. Any job leads? You still haven't found anything? Have you considered moving to DC? No, obviously not, and definitely never.
I realized I needed to get creative. The professional world wouldn't have me, there had to be other options. A little internet research turned up some promising options. I could become a mail order bride! The website said it was a way for lost women to find their way to riches and love. God knows I'm no stranger to internet dating, being a mail order bride seemed like a natural progression. Jdate was my gateway drug. Unfortunately I soon realized that educated middle class Jewish girls from the suburbs were not exactly the prime market for mail order brides. It seemed that the American men ordering brides were, for the most part, seeking submissive women from underdeveloped nations without the education and wherewithal to object to abuse and mistreatment.
My thoughts then turned to reality television. I have long been a fan of reality television and believe myself to be entertaining and dysfunctional enough to carry a show. I exhibit all the characteristics of a timeless reality television star, little shame, no impulse control, a propensity for black out drinking and delusional sense of self. With that in mind I began scouring the casting boards for Bravo, MTV and VH1. There had to be a show about unemployed twenty somethings who wanted to make something of their lives or lose 20 pounds or find love. I mean thats the stuff Emmy's are made of, no? Again I was shut down. My only real options were to gain one hundred pounds in hopes of becoming America's next biggest loser or losing twenty pounds and my morals and trying to get on the next season of the Bachelor. If only I was born a Kardashian.
As more time passed I realized that perhaps employment wasn't in the cards for me. Perhaps I was meant to live in my parent's basement collecting stray cats and calling them my babies. My intense allergy to cats could be overcome, as had my drive and determination to lead a productive life.
"The teeth are made out of wood"? Yeah, I think you're right. And not even the best wood money can buy! I've got a few British colleagues looking just like that. Sorry guys. The lady's got a point.
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