Editors Note: After moving home to New Jersey in early September, en route to my eventual destination of London, I have contracted the highly contagious, nearly incurable disease blogitis. Symptoms include an overwhelming desire to sleep until noon, an obsessive need to watch old episodes of 90210 on the Soap network, extreme ice cream consumption while sitting on the couch all day and an utter inability to be creative in the face of multiple movies playing on the eleven channels of HBO.
My only hope is a risky treatment doctors are calling "get the hell off your ass and move out of your parents house." I will be embarking on a rigorous course of the prescribed treatment beginning tomorrow. This recent bout of illness and search for a cure make it near impossible to blog on a regular basis. Thus I apologize for the lack of new material and ask for your patience while I regain the strength and livelihood required to write new posts. Alas I am not sure how long it will be until you hear from me again; until that time, good night and good luck!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
24 Things I've Learned at 24
As sand through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives. It's about that time of year when the lushes of green leaves turn a brilliant orange before crumbling and falling to their death. The time of year when bicycles are locked in garages and backpacks dusted off to be filled with pens and notebooks. The time of year when eternal youth realizes its expiration date and darkness creeps into late afternoon like the angel of death waiting on its prey. The change of season reminds me of my own life cycle, alas I am getting older.
Another birthday come and gone. Monday (that's September 7 for those of you that want to put it in your ICal or Google Calenders, this is especially wise for the M clad friends who forgot to call, text, facebook, or telepathically wish me good tidings on the anniversary of my birth) I officially entered my mid-twenties as I celebrated my 24th birthday. This milestone which is kind of like the death rattle on my way to middle age has me waxing philosophic and I can't help but look back on my life and think of all the many things I have learned over the past twenty four years. Why my accumulated knowledge could fill a book! The kind of book that would help any young person on their journey to self-fulfillment, navigating the windy roads of thinly veiled narcissism and a constant yearning for attention. It would be selfish of me not to share the knowledge my 24 years on this spinning planet we call home has garnered-thus I give to you twenty four things I've learned over the past 24 years. While this is not necessarily a definitive guide to happiness and prosperity, it will certainly get you on your way.
24. Greasy hair is unattractive. No one should ever be able to tell that you are on an every other day shower schedule. If people ask you if its raining outside when they see the seeming sheen of wetness on your greasy unwashed hair, you have a serious problem. I my friends, have the solution...baby powder. When used properly it can soak up the grease and reduce the appearance of dinginess. Sprinkle in the problem area and massage it in so you do not look like you are playing George Washington in a school play. While some say cleanliness is next to godliness, I say the appearance of cleanliness gets your ten extra minutes of sleep in the morning.
23. Your body is a temple. My mother passed this gem on to me during my turbulent adolescence. She took care to remind me (multiple, multiple times) that my body was a temple and everyone needed to pay their dues to get in. But make sure the money is clean if you get my drift (penicillin don't come cheap, not without socialized health care anyway).
22. Don't bother with vegetarianism. In case you haven't seen the Lion King let me summarize, we are all part of one big food chain. You are born, then your dad's evil brother plots your father's death with his hyena friends (note, your dad is the Lion King of the African plain). The plot manifests itself with wildebeests stampeding and killing your father. You convince yourself its your fault (since you, the cub, couldn't stop the stampede) and you run away to some enclave and befriend some ambiguously gay smaller animals. The evil uncle ascends to the thrown. Then you sing a bunch of songs and grow up into a manly brave lion who eventual reclaims the crown and exiles the evil uncle. You have thus completed the circle of life. Animals die, we eat them, bacon is AWESOME.
21. Don't cut your own bangs. Run for dear life if you see a parent who is not a hair stylist by profession coming at you with a scissor. Nobody looks cute with a kitchen bowl cut or bathroom side bang, please take my word for this.
20. Get overdraft protection. Bank of America is a bitch as are most banks. Give in, sign up for overdraft protection. Eventually you will be low on money (if you are young and irresponsible) and on the same night as your rent and utilities check clear you will get drunk and you will think buying a round of Jagger shots for you and six other people is a good idea. I beg of you, get overdraft protection.
19. Lie to get yourself out of trouble. This life lesson only works if you are blessed with no real moral compass and an ability to think on your feet. If you posses these qualities then I whole heartedly encourage you to take advantage of them. Lying is great. Didn't finish your homework, no problem your house burned down. Late for work, don't sweat it you went momentarily deaf at the precise moment your alarm went off. Canceling plans with that friend you don't really even like, its not your fault you have meningitis. Lying is great. Just be sure to remember the details and you should be fine. There is one caveat here, don't lie to the police. If you are going the wrong way down a one way street (which you know to be one way because you live on said street), you cannot get out of the ticket by explaining to the lady cop that you have to pee very very very badly and would never have gone the wrong way otherwise.
18. Don't pay for condiments, napkins or toilet paper in your home. Have you been to Starbucks lately? I can only assume that they are charging $4 for a coffee because of the abundant sides that come with it. I'm referring to the splenda, equal, sugar, brown sugar, honey packets and napkins. Toilet paper can be easily "purchased" from your office and even public libraries. Napkins are everywhere, ask for extra.
17. Don't eat more than one Fiber One product in one day. You don't have to take my word for this but I promise you'll regret it if you don't.
16. Always wear underwear. There are so many ways in which going commando can back fire. One minute you are walking down the street enjoying the sun on your shoulders, the next thing you know your ass up splayed across the side walk. Damn uneven cement. Don't go commando.
15. Dairy is great. Ice cream and cheese are the cause and cure of all problems (largely those relating to the stomach).
14. If you are unfortunate enough to require orthodontia, wear your retainer. I came out of the womb with perfectly straight teeth so I'm not really familiar with braces, palate expanders and the lot. But my sisters, Memma and Mannah, they had some pretty jacked teeth. Memma battled a serious gap tooth and Mannah had a literal dog tooth sticking out of the side of her gum for like two years. Their refusal to wear the orthodontist mandated retainers and shit caused our parents thousands of dollars in bills and years of unsightly metal in their teeth. Let this be a lesson, either be born perfect a la me, or listen to your dentist.
13. Prank phone calling never gets old. You don't know what fun is until you've called someone you barely know and acted as though you are their best friend, all while speaking in a British accent.
12. Don't buy anything off of TV. If Billy Mays death and the Sham Wow guy's recent coke bust haven't taught you anything then let me be the voice of reason, it's never quite 'as seen on TV.' Whether it's QVC or Miss Cleo you must resist. Turn off the TV, leave the house, and go to the mall. I promise you the products being hawked after 2 a.m. on a Sunday night are not worth those three easy payments of $19.99 (plus shipping and handling).
11. There is simply no way to lose ten pounds in one day unless it involves amputation. I'm all for fad diets but at some point we must acknowledge the limits of the human body and reality. If you are willing to cut off your arm, then sure, you can lose those pesky unbudging ten extra pounds before your high school reunion tomorrow morning. However, if you are both physically dependent and emotionally attached to your limbs, then its unlikely you are going to shed the excess weight before the sun rises. Also, you can't order a tape worm offline.
10. Soliciting money from family never gets old, no matter how old you get.
9. DVR is worth the investment. Not that I have ever been fortunate enough to have TIVO or DVR, but I imagine its utterly amazing. Having to stay home on a Wednesday night so that you don't miss Bravo's Real Housewives of Atlanta (because God knows Bravo never reruns things), or scheduling Friday night plans around The Soup really inhibits a healthy social life. Moreover its just embarrassing to refuse a coworkers invite to happy hour because you have a eight o'clock date with Fox's More to Love (think Fat Bachelor).
8. You cannot put Styrofoam, tin foal or plastic in the microwave.
7. Crime doesn't pay. You're thirteen. You're in Macy's. You see this really cool pair of Sketchers. You and your friend try on the Sketchers. God they're cool. You have to have the Sketchers. You look in your wallet, you have a Macy's gift card and cash, your friend has her parent's credit card. You discuss the options. Purchasing the shoes is feasible, easy even. But then you realize that stealing them would be way cooler, way more bad ass. You grab a pair of the shoes. You surreptitiously stick the bulky box in the Gap bag you have from earlier in your shopping extravaganza. You walk out of the store. Suddenly, out of no where, two thuggish security guards appear and ask you to come with them. You are busted. You spend the next four hours sitting in the Macy's security office waiting for the police to come, cause hey, Macy's takes theft seriously. You're parents lose all respect for you. You are grounded for a month. The family court Macy's sends you to makes you take a mail order "Why shoplifting is bad" course. Crime doesn't pay.
6. Don't do the running man while wearing sunglasses in a dark house. Only broken bones and embarrassment will result.
5. Do not engage in an eating contest hours before any sort of significant event. Going to a Pizza Hut buffet and daring your friends to see who can eat the most the afternoon of your high school graduation is probably not the best idea. Seven slices of pizza, two slices of desert pizza, and numerous breadsticks are not going to ease the transition to adulthood, they will however send you to the bathroom for about four hours.
4. Avoid appearing on reality TV. Because who comes out of that looking intelligent and well adjusted? No one.
3. While in flight, do not tell the stewardess that the balding middle aged man sitting across the row is a terrorist unless you have hard evidence. Not only will you appear crazy, but no one likes to be called a terrorist.
2. Everything is best in moderation. This isn't something I've mastered, but you know, it's probably the smartest advice I've ever ignored.
1. Wear sunscreen. And also the underwear thing.
Another birthday come and gone. Monday (that's September 7 for those of you that want to put it in your ICal or Google Calenders, this is especially wise for the M clad friends who forgot to call, text, facebook, or telepathically wish me good tidings on the anniversary of my birth) I officially entered my mid-twenties as I celebrated my 24th birthday. This milestone which is kind of like the death rattle on my way to middle age has me waxing philosophic and I can't help but look back on my life and think of all the many things I have learned over the past twenty four years. Why my accumulated knowledge could fill a book! The kind of book that would help any young person on their journey to self-fulfillment, navigating the windy roads of thinly veiled narcissism and a constant yearning for attention. It would be selfish of me not to share the knowledge my 24 years on this spinning planet we call home has garnered-thus I give to you twenty four things I've learned over the past 24 years. While this is not necessarily a definitive guide to happiness and prosperity, it will certainly get you on your way.
24. Greasy hair is unattractive. No one should ever be able to tell that you are on an every other day shower schedule. If people ask you if its raining outside when they see the seeming sheen of wetness on your greasy unwashed hair, you have a serious problem. I my friends, have the solution...baby powder. When used properly it can soak up the grease and reduce the appearance of dinginess. Sprinkle in the problem area and massage it in so you do not look like you are playing George Washington in a school play. While some say cleanliness is next to godliness, I say the appearance of cleanliness gets your ten extra minutes of sleep in the morning.
23. Your body is a temple. My mother passed this gem on to me during my turbulent adolescence. She took care to remind me (multiple, multiple times) that my body was a temple and everyone needed to pay their dues to get in. But make sure the money is clean if you get my drift (penicillin don't come cheap, not without socialized health care anyway).
22. Don't bother with vegetarianism. In case you haven't seen the Lion King let me summarize, we are all part of one big food chain. You are born, then your dad's evil brother plots your father's death with his hyena friends (note, your dad is the Lion King of the African plain). The plot manifests itself with wildebeests stampeding and killing your father. You convince yourself its your fault (since you, the cub, couldn't stop the stampede) and you run away to some enclave and befriend some ambiguously gay smaller animals. The evil uncle ascends to the thrown. Then you sing a bunch of songs and grow up into a manly brave lion who eventual reclaims the crown and exiles the evil uncle. You have thus completed the circle of life. Animals die, we eat them, bacon is AWESOME.
21. Don't cut your own bangs. Run for dear life if you see a parent who is not a hair stylist by profession coming at you with a scissor. Nobody looks cute with a kitchen bowl cut or bathroom side bang, please take my word for this.
20. Get overdraft protection. Bank of America is a bitch as are most banks. Give in, sign up for overdraft protection. Eventually you will be low on money (if you are young and irresponsible) and on the same night as your rent and utilities check clear you will get drunk and you will think buying a round of Jagger shots for you and six other people is a good idea. I beg of you, get overdraft protection.
19. Lie to get yourself out of trouble. This life lesson only works if you are blessed with no real moral compass and an ability to think on your feet. If you posses these qualities then I whole heartedly encourage you to take advantage of them. Lying is great. Didn't finish your homework, no problem your house burned down. Late for work, don't sweat it you went momentarily deaf at the precise moment your alarm went off. Canceling plans with that friend you don't really even like, its not your fault you have meningitis. Lying is great. Just be sure to remember the details and you should be fine. There is one caveat here, don't lie to the police. If you are going the wrong way down a one way street (which you know to be one way because you live on said street), you cannot get out of the ticket by explaining to the lady cop that you have to pee very very very badly and would never have gone the wrong way otherwise.
18. Don't pay for condiments, napkins or toilet paper in your home. Have you been to Starbucks lately? I can only assume that they are charging $4 for a coffee because of the abundant sides that come with it. I'm referring to the splenda, equal, sugar, brown sugar, honey packets and napkins. Toilet paper can be easily "purchased" from your office and even public libraries. Napkins are everywhere, ask for extra.
17. Don't eat more than one Fiber One product in one day. You don't have to take my word for this but I promise you'll regret it if you don't.
16. Always wear underwear. There are so many ways in which going commando can back fire. One minute you are walking down the street enjoying the sun on your shoulders, the next thing you know your ass up splayed across the side walk. Damn uneven cement. Don't go commando.
15. Dairy is great. Ice cream and cheese are the cause and cure of all problems (largely those relating to the stomach).
14. If you are unfortunate enough to require orthodontia, wear your retainer. I came out of the womb with perfectly straight teeth so I'm not really familiar with braces, palate expanders and the lot. But my sisters, Memma and Mannah, they had some pretty jacked teeth. Memma battled a serious gap tooth and Mannah had a literal dog tooth sticking out of the side of her gum for like two years. Their refusal to wear the orthodontist mandated retainers and shit caused our parents thousands of dollars in bills and years of unsightly metal in their teeth. Let this be a lesson, either be born perfect a la me, or listen to your dentist.
13. Prank phone calling never gets old. You don't know what fun is until you've called someone you barely know and acted as though you are their best friend, all while speaking in a British accent.
12. Don't buy anything off of TV. If Billy Mays death and the Sham Wow guy's recent coke bust haven't taught you anything then let me be the voice of reason, it's never quite 'as seen on TV.' Whether it's QVC or Miss Cleo you must resist. Turn off the TV, leave the house, and go to the mall. I promise you the products being hawked after 2 a.m. on a Sunday night are not worth those three easy payments of $19.99 (plus shipping and handling).
11. There is simply no way to lose ten pounds in one day unless it involves amputation. I'm all for fad diets but at some point we must acknowledge the limits of the human body and reality. If you are willing to cut off your arm, then sure, you can lose those pesky unbudging ten extra pounds before your high school reunion tomorrow morning. However, if you are both physically dependent and emotionally attached to your limbs, then its unlikely you are going to shed the excess weight before the sun rises. Also, you can't order a tape worm offline.
10. Soliciting money from family never gets old, no matter how old you get.
9. DVR is worth the investment. Not that I have ever been fortunate enough to have TIVO or DVR, but I imagine its utterly amazing. Having to stay home on a Wednesday night so that you don't miss Bravo's Real Housewives of Atlanta (because God knows Bravo never reruns things), or scheduling Friday night plans around The Soup really inhibits a healthy social life. Moreover its just embarrassing to refuse a coworkers invite to happy hour because you have a eight o'clock date with Fox's More to Love (think Fat Bachelor).
8. You cannot put Styrofoam, tin foal or plastic in the microwave.
7. Crime doesn't pay. You're thirteen. You're in Macy's. You see this really cool pair of Sketchers. You and your friend try on the Sketchers. God they're cool. You have to have the Sketchers. You look in your wallet, you have a Macy's gift card and cash, your friend has her parent's credit card. You discuss the options. Purchasing the shoes is feasible, easy even. But then you realize that stealing them would be way cooler, way more bad ass. You grab a pair of the shoes. You surreptitiously stick the bulky box in the Gap bag you have from earlier in your shopping extravaganza. You walk out of the store. Suddenly, out of no where, two thuggish security guards appear and ask you to come with them. You are busted. You spend the next four hours sitting in the Macy's security office waiting for the police to come, cause hey, Macy's takes theft seriously. You're parents lose all respect for you. You are grounded for a month. The family court Macy's sends you to makes you take a mail order "Why shoplifting is bad" course. Crime doesn't pay.
6. Don't do the running man while wearing sunglasses in a dark house. Only broken bones and embarrassment will result.
5. Do not engage in an eating contest hours before any sort of significant event. Going to a Pizza Hut buffet and daring your friends to see who can eat the most the afternoon of your high school graduation is probably not the best idea. Seven slices of pizza, two slices of desert pizza, and numerous breadsticks are not going to ease the transition to adulthood, they will however send you to the bathroom for about four hours.
4. Avoid appearing on reality TV. Because who comes out of that looking intelligent and well adjusted? No one.
3. While in flight, do not tell the stewardess that the balding middle aged man sitting across the row is a terrorist unless you have hard evidence. Not only will you appear crazy, but no one likes to be called a terrorist.
2. Everything is best in moderation. This isn't something I've mastered, but you know, it's probably the smartest advice I've ever ignored.
1. Wear sunscreen. And also the underwear thing.
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