Hey Internet, Find Me a Date!

Everyone is Internet dating these days. Both of my parental units are avid e-daters. These middle-aged daters are on the prowl for love in chat rooms, on Match, on J-Date, even E-harmony. I was home on a school break the day my father called me over to the computer, excitedly pointing at the screen. There, I saw, was a picture of him leaning against a tree, wearing khaki's and a sports coat, a weird and inviting smile pasted on his face. The whole thing resembled a Viagra ad in Men's Health. At his request I proceeded to read the profile.

"Strong yet vulnerable...a man of contradictions...looking for a love that knows no bounds."

When my parents first got divorced I suspected the break up was rooted in my father's potential homosexuality. He loves show tunes (the man had a CD of Les Miserables playing in the car at all times), was very concerned about his appearance (he's been known to tan in public parks wearing only skimpy running shorts, no one wants to be told at lunch in high school that there dad was spotted at the town park wearing nothing but yellow [for all intents and purposes] booty shorts), he owns skimpy running shorts and he is unbearably clean. He has always maintained that he is not in fact gay; however I was once again forced to call this into question when I read about his vulnerable strength and yearning for boundless love.

After the emotional scarring that was reading my father's cyber pick-up essay he wanted to throw some salt in my wounds and asked for my opinion. Answering honestly, I told him it was a little mushy and I found it unappealing (which I think is probably for the best, being wooed by my own Dad's dating profile would be pretty fucked up). Pops was offended by this, insisting that, "This profile is amazing, women from all over the country email me to tell me how moving they find it. Just the other day a woman from Ohio told me she thought I was in touch with my feelings, and wished she could meet me." My father than proceeded to scroll through a list of women he was in contact with and asked that I help him figure out who might be fat in real life. Those with out full body pictures required intense scrutiny, mainly focused around the chin and neck, which he informed me gave away body weight. Yeah, my dad's a real sensitive renaissance man.

Despite all this, I recently joined the ranks of e-daters, hoping that my dear dating Dad would never run across my profile and try to figure out if I was hiding some blubber. The decision was made rather hastily on a lazy Sunday afternoon while watching the cinematic masterpiece "Snakes on a Plane" with a small friend named Mara. As we sat with a computer and a half gallon of ice cream between us, we knew then and there that the time was right for finding love. There is just something about Samuel L. Jackson's impassioned performance that awakens the need for companionship. Mara, being a Jewess much like myself, decided to give J-date a try. As Mara is on the midget side of things J-date, a site populated solely by Jews who are for some reason or another generally pretty short and hairy, seemed the appropriate choice for her (as it happens she enjoys the occasional hairy man). I however had an inkling that the Goyim men of Match.com might be more likely to clear my 6 foot height requirement and got to work creating a profile. And thus in between bites of ice cream and snake induced deaths I starting shopping for boys on the Internet.


Here is how I advertised myself:

snakesonaplane15

Hey internet, find me a date!

Have kids:	No
Want kids:	Definitely
Ethnicity:	White / Caucasian
Body type:	About average
Height:	5'9" (175cms)
Religion:	No Answer
Smoke:	No Way
Drink:	Social Drinker

More of My Photos

In my own words

for fun:

I like wikipedia a lot.

favorite hot spots:

Ethnic food is fun, especially things I get to eat with my hands. I tend to frequent the same bars on U St./gtown/downtown/adams morgan every weekend so am always looking to try something new. Southeast Asia and or Australia.

favorite things:

I really like water, The Office, french toast and sleeping late.

last read:

I'm in the middle of Empire Falls.

About my life and what I'm looking for

I'm really looking forward to finding love on the Internet, you know, surf the wave of the web. If I can find a sofa on the Internet, I can certainly use it to find a reasonably intelligent, mildly well adjusted guy who enjoys watching really bad reality TV and/or lifetime movies.

Recently, I caught the tail end of a TV show on TLC with a family that has 18 children and the mother is pregnant again. Like a car crash I couldn't look away but was kind of afraid to watch. Every one's name started with a J and they wore matching outfits! If this is the sort of thing you were hoping your future might hold, I think we may not be meant for each other. Much like I don't intend to birth 18 children, I'm also not a fan of rodents as pets or the use of emoticons.

Things I do enjoy include but are not limited to exploring new areas of DC (alas I am not a native), This American Life on NPR, saying "that's what she said" entirely too much and when it clearly doesn't apply, g-chat and following my whims to new places.

As for my perfect match, assuming he shares my feelings on small towns populated solely by your own children, emoticons and rodents, I suppose all I can really hope for is someone taller than me who appreciates and doles out sarcasm.

______________________________

This profile has not surprisingly elicited some bizarre and unattractive respondents. There was the 37 year-old father (not mine) from rural Pennsylvania. The balding 25 year-old from Maryland who in his own words "is smarter than the average person." My personal favorite was the 30 year-old from right here in DC. He messaged me shortly after I joined saying first, "nice profile, care to get to know each other." I never responded because he was of course unattractive and wiry looking in all of his pictures (which were posed and taken by himself in one of those obvious ways). The very next day I received this follow up message, "oops, sorry i didn't mean to email you, your body type says about average." I mean sure, that's a totally okay thing to say. I guess I should stop eating at this point, no one likes someone who is about average.

Then of course there is the endless series of winks. Winks are the lazy/passive aggressive man's way of flirting over the Internet. Frankly I find them a bit ridiculous. We are already so unable to socialize normally that we have turned to a website to find us suitors and suiterettes, must we then forgo the actual message option and merely wink at one another. To one wink I responded:

Subject: ARRGHHHHHHHHHHH

Message:

Hi,

Thanks for the wink, I'm not really sure what that means but I was quite pleased to get it. I can't wink, I only have one eye, tragic pirating accident in '93.

Anyway, I don't like animals, I'm originally from Jersey, and LOVE Medieval Times. Tell me about yourself.

Thanks.

His response seemed wholy unaware of my mention of the high seas and Medieval times, we have yet to meet.