How to Ensure You Don't Get Asked on a Second Date, by Yours Truly

I joined match to spice things up, meet people outside of my social circle, get some free drinks, you know the regular stuff. Or that's what I told people anyway. There may, as it happens, have been some ulterior motives or otherwise subversive thoughts behind my venture in e-dating. If you are using the Internet to date you are probably seriously unattractive or an actual midget. A dim-witted fool that has unsightly hairy moles dotting his horribly misshapen face. This is how I envisioned the standard male edater. That or my father.

As a really intelligent, attractive and humble young woman I should have been the star of the fucking Internet. The ultimate catch for these socially inept losers. (Why this totally awesome person was forced to edate is not of concern here. Just assume that I tore my way through all the available men in the greater metro area and none of them could keep up with my wit and beauty, thus forcing me to look into the broader arena of computer nerds and those who play dungeons and dragons in their spare time, a diamond in the rough). These freaks should have been lining up at the Internet cafe door (or at their home PC as it is no longer 1995) to wink, message, or otherwise fawn over me. My mere presence on the world wide web should have brightened each and every one of their days.

In my recent weeks of edating it turns out this little theoretical gem upon which I predicated my match experiment may not be entirely true. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of leprechauns and social pariahs out there, and they are genuinely excited to see me and enthusiastically let me know this in their multiple misspelled messages. But there are also some borderline normal people, perhaps even people out of my league in the mix. This can be the only explanation for the fact that I am not already in love, no one has proposed to me, and I am not in the family way.

In fact, my world has been kind of toppled and now sits on its head. Not everyone loves me. Moreover, not everyone laughs at all my jokes and appreciates my neurotic obsessive idiosyncrasies. When I meet the people I have deemed below me in person, they sometimes reject me. What the fuck is going on here? Is my self-perception somehow skewed? Am I not as cool as I think I am? Perhaps.

All of my recent first dates have a common them: no progression to date number two. My potential beloveds tend to break off all contact at the point when I say "Bye, it seems like I didn't weird you out too much. Don't worry, there are bathrooms on the way to the metro!" or one of my other favorite parting notes "Can you walk away first?" Are these not normal standard ways to let your date know that you had fun and want to do it again? Is it totally inappropriate to make jokes about your high fertility level? Maybe its because I grew up in a home in which the phrase, "Can you please pass the spermicidal jelly?" was regularly used at the breakfast table - but I happen to think excessive body hair, bizarre scars, your mother's legs, or your parents painful divorce are fun getting to know you topics.

If you are also out in the field (of love) and trying to avoid actual emotional connection and intimacy-as it appears I am by exhibiting bizarre and off putting behavior on first dates-then here are some surefire ways to make your companion uncomfortable and sufficiently afraid of you so that he will never call you again.

Get awkward with the introduction. Throw yourself into that 'nice to meet you' hug with such trepidation and nervousness that he can't help but think you were abused by some similar looking man in the past. This is guaranteed to start the date out on the wrong foot. If he doesn't go for the hug and instead opts for a handshake, make sure your palms are as sweaty as humanly possible. If you are anything like me and have overactive glands, this shouldn't be a problem.

Once you are situated in the bar/restaurant/gondola, wherever you have decided to have your date, be sure to position yourself as far away from him as the physical setting will allow. Sit back in your chair, cross your arms over you chest, and purse your lips. Nothing says I'm interested like putting a distance between you and your date that suggests you might think he has the capability to transmit swine flu.

If you have agreed upon drinks and know there is not going to be any food ingested on the date, drink quickly so as to get as drunk as humanly possible as fast as humanly possible. If you are doing drinks along with dinner, drink even more, and even faster (maybe bring a flask). Avoid sobriety at all costs. If you feel the urge to vomit don't tell him, instead make a weird face and run to the bathroom without explanation.

If you are going on your first date after e-meeting, print out his match/eharmony/craigslist picture before hand and then compare the print out to men as they walk by. It is far worse to not recognize your date and pass by them three times as they sit sadly looking up at you from a corner booth than to bring an insurance picture and feel slightly like a stalker.

Spit. Get way to excited about a joke or story that has no relevance to the natural flow of conversation and accidentally spit all over the place when you hit the punchline.

Pee at least three times. Intermittently. This will be taken as a sign that you either do not like your date, are desperately avoiding having to pay the check, or have some serious bladder issues. If you are lucky all three will be assumed.

Bring up Jesus. Whether you are Jew or Gentile, Muslim or Hindu, Jesus alienates people of all faith when discussed in improper context. Try and throw a couple exasperated "Jesus Christ"s out there when you think something is funny. Or maybe note that you just never "got into the whole Jesus thing." If you are Jewish be sure to mention it defensively. Nothing makes a guy lose interest like mentioning your time spent in Israel and going into a three hour political diatribe about your feelings on Palestinian statehood and not being religious but more culturally connected to your conflict ridden homeland.

Ask questions. Really detailed, way too personal questions. Don't stop at where they went to school, ask them where they applied for undergrad. Why they didn't get into their top choice? How much money do they make? Have they ever had to go with a girlfriend to get an abortion? Is that misdemeanor from 10th grade ever going to be expunged?

Flail. You should be sufficiently drunk at this point and no good drunken store can accurately be told without a couple arm waves and a bobbling head. If you can muster some slurred words that will work in your favor as well.

In the weeks to come, as you embark on obsessive and extensive post date analysis with your friends who are in happy and healthy relationships, your phone will remain silent. You will ultimately be left wondering why the supposed losers from match who you are better than anyway don't "feel any chem." with you. It is then you will realize that you too are on match. And just because you have already decided everyone on match is weird, you can not in fact behave like the truly bizarre and freakish person you are. At the very least, you should try and avoid spitting.